Tag Archives: Relationships

Passing Thoughts, and Other Moments of Brilliance

I was out on a date last night at Park Bar. At one point I excused myself to go to bathroom. On the way back, I noticed the Women’s Room also doubled as the Handicapped Bathroom. This struck me as passive aggressive sexism – I guess the Hillary Clinton campaign really did mean nothing to some people.

On a break from work, I was listening to snippets from the latest Andrew Bird album. I debated buying it; iTunes was selling it for $7.99. One thought immediately struck me “Do I want to buy this because I want it? Or do I want to buy it just so I can say I own another Andrew Bird album?”

On Sunday, I watched The Dark Crystal for the first time in at least 10 years. The first hour is still a lot of fun to watch, I don’t know why I couldn’t sit through the last 30 minutes.

I came up with a idea for a movie yesterday: an older brother finds out that his 16 year old sister is gay. She doesn’t know how to talk to girls and turns to him for advice. Soon enough, his good advice is alerted to the entire teenage lesbian community, and he becomes a teen lesbian dating expert. I think I may call it That’s What She Said.

I ran the movie idea by Rachel, my lesbian ex-girlfriend, in an imaginary conversation had with her today. She thought it was cute.

I got another screenplay idea a few weeks ago. I don’t feel comfortable sharing it here, except to say it was inspired by the song “Re: Stacks” by Bon Iver, and to a lesser extent, “Skinny Love” by Bon Iver.

Over the past three weeks, I’ve been thinking about the same three things: death, a relationship, and family. Death is something that scares me quite a bit, since the unknown scares the shit out of me. I’ve been thinking about a relationship because I’ve been overworked for the last month; and that means my professional and personal time are often spent alone (which I hate). As for kids, my neighbor’s six year old daughter – Caitlin – takes extreme delight in finding ways to annoy me when she comes home from school. As rambunctious as that child is, I like the fact that she chooses the right times to bother me. Currently, she enjoys calling me “Satin” because – she claims – it sounds like “Matt”.


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Chink In The Armor


I’ve never been refused sex, and then asked to leave someone’s apartment. However, it has now happened. I can scratch it off my bucket list. Next up: being slapped in the face by Jackie Mason.

Believe me, I was surprised. Imagine doing the walk of shame at 4:30 in the morning, except no shame actually occurred, thereby making it just a walk. Would you be surprised if I told you it’s the second weirdest thing that’s ever happened to me? In my New York dating/sexual experience? The number one thing on that list involved me being refused sex after I asked if she had condoms. But that’s a story I’ll save for another time and place.

In this case, she apologized to me. She told me it wasn’t me, it was her. She gave me a reason that I couldn’t argue against, but was still frustrated to accept: “Look, if I’m going to have sex with a guy, I need to know that I can date him.”


The whole reason this happened was because she asked me the corresponding question as things were beginning to… pick up. Obviously, at 4:00 in the morning and after a couple of Jamesons, my rapier wit is not at its sharpest. So, with Fate against me on this one, I only had the capacity to do one thing: I was honest with her. “I’m not looking for a girlfriend. No, it’s not you. I’m just not actively seeking out a relationship right now.”

If you just heard something, it was the sound of my libido getting choked to death by a far more savvy feminine intuition.

Honestly though, what the HELL else was I supposed to say? It’s either: be douchebag #679 in this woman’s life and then never call her again, or just be honest. Maybe I’m too altruistic from all the “You should’ve been an English major.” guilt my parents used to lay on me, but I advocate honesty in all scenarios. Plus, I believe that karma is a bitch when you decide to mess with it.

The next morning, I sat on my couch nursing a hangover and wishing I subscribed to the Sunday Times. I thought about what went down a few hours earlier. You can’t hate someone for being honest with you, whether it’s in the name of personal integrity, or because they just want you gone. When I first started dating in NYC, I still bought into the Nick and Norah fantasy; I wanted to be some girl’s knight in shining armor. How exactly I was going to pull that off – being the runner-up for Mr. Post-Grad Insecurity back then – I didn’t know. I just trusted that somewhere, a divine screenwriter had my back. As I’ve gotten older and remained single, I’ve learned to want the exact opposite. I want to be no one’s knight in shining armor. Why? Because the thought that someone would need that frightens me. The only reason that person buys into such a concept is because he/she wants somebody else to fix their problem. They’re assuming that happiness starts with the right significant other, and then they’ll just work backward.

Been there, done that, got the gray hairs. Not really interested in a second go-round.

If you were to ask me “Have you ever dated anybody that wasn’t asking to be rescued?”, my answer would be: “Yes.” I have been with one such person. And, because of the experience the two of us shared, I believe that “saving each other” is not a requisite for a healthy relationship. I believe if you’re ever going to make a relationship work, it’s got to start and end with honesty. Even if it’s ambivalent, it’s still someone’s point of view. So, I’m actually happy for the way things worked out. This woman was honest with me. That’s all I ever ask for these days. I genuinely hope that wherever she is, she finds what she’s looking for in this world.

As for me, I mounted my steed (a beat-up pair of Chuck Taylors), readied my sword (a copy of the Sunday Times picked up at my bodega), and proceeded to Camelot (a Sunday brunch of coffee, eggs, and bacon). I may not be perfect boyfriend material, but I don’t feel as if I ever have to be. I just have to be me.

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Peter O’Toole On Women


“I’ve never looked for women. When I was a teenager, perhaps. But they are looking for us, and we must learn that very quickly. They decide. We just turn up. Never mind the superficialities — tall and handsome and all that. Just turn up. They will do the rest.”

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