The following is a fictional recollection of a real conversation I had a few weeks ago. I’m sad to say that there’s more truth than fiction in what you’re about to read.
Friend 1: I don’t get why anyone would want to live in Brooklyn.
Friend 2: Yeah, I know. It’s so isolated.
Me (ears perking up): Uh, I live in Brooklyn.
Friend 1: Yeah, I know.
Friend 1: I’m just saying, it seems like so pointless when there’s so much in Manhattan.
Friend 2: Plus it takes forever to get into the city.
Me: It take 15 mins on the local, 10-12 on the express train.
Friend 2: Where do you live again, Matt?
Me: Park Slope.
Friend 2: Wow, you live out there.
Me: Not really, no. It’s one of the most popular neighborhoods in New York City.
Friend 1: It must be so hard to get around in the outer boroughs.
Friend 2: Well, if you have a car, I guess that makes it easier.
Me: I don’t own a car.
Friend 1 (ignoring me): Plus, like, here’s the other thing: what’s the difference? $1,000 a month.
Friend 2: Oh yeah, I know.
Friend 1: You pay $1,000 less a month to live in a place that’s not Manhattan.
Me: That’s kind of the point in moving to Brooklyn.
Friend 1 (still ignoring me): I’d go crazy. I mean, like what about a place like Artichoke Pizza?
Friend 2: Artichoke makes the best pizza in NYC.
Friend 1: Do you think they’re still open?
Friend 2: Oh yeah.
Friend 1: It’s freezing outside, but I would so walk the extra three blocks for Artichoke right now.
Friend 2: I know, where else but in Manhattan can you get great pizza?
Me: Brooklyn’s famous for it’s pizza.
Friend 1 & 2 (now completely ignoring me): PIZ-ZA! PIZ-ZA! Artichoke rules!
Me: There’s Grimaldi’s. Di Fara. La Villa. Two Boots is right up the block from me.
Friend 1: Plus, you know what else I love about Manhattan? The women. I bet there’s no place in all of Brooklyn to meet women.
Friend 2: Yeah, Manhattan girls are so awesome with their baggage, and the fact that I just need to flex my muscles and they’ll have sex with me.
Friend 1: Manhattan rules! Only here – in the whole world – can you get a midnight slice of pizza and sleep with girls who have daddy issues!
Friend 2: Plus, you pay $2,000 a month to live in a closet and $3 more on Brooklyn Lager here!
Friend 1: Yeah! And then there’s the Yankees!
Friend 2: Let’s Go Yankees!
(Both of the friends start rhythmic clapping and humping every single parking meter they see.)
Friend 1: I love New York!
Friend 2: New York City rules!
(Matt stares at both of them as they strip naked on 14th Street in the dead of winter and begin to spank each other while singing Frank Sinatra’s “New York, New York”.)
Me: Uh, guys I’m going to grab this cab home. Enjoy your pizza. Get home safe.
(Matt hails a cab and leaves. Friend 2 is over Friend 1’s knee.)
Friend 1 & 2: “Start spreadin’ the news!” spank! “I’m leavin’ toooooo-daaaaaayy!” spank!