Kids, your mother and I have something to tell you. We’re getting a divorce. Now, before you begin to assume anything, we want to you both to know that it is completely your fault.
Now, we all know that – “typically” – a divorce never happens because of the kids. It’s because the parents have come to a point where they would be better off not married to each other anymore. This would also be the time to tell you that that’s a bold face lie. Parents are adults, and children are children. Adults can learn how to live with each other, despite their shortcomings. Children are social morons who are led to believe that life is a fairy tale. Truth be told: you’re mother and I would get along great if you two weren’t in the picture. We could keep the house, turn one of your rooms into a separate bedroom, turn the other room into an office or a pottery studio, and continue to share the mortgage as if we were roommates. But apparently – according to all of Mom and Dad’s friends and colleagues – that’s too “complicated” for two children to understand! So we’re stuck doing this: we’re getting a divorce so that you two can have a “healthier upbringing”.
It’s not that we don’t love you, we just don’t love you enough to act as if this isn’t a huge pain in the ass for us. You’re our kids, you deserve to know the truth. I mean: why do you think we’re raising you as atheists? It’s because there’s no such thing as bullshit in this family. When your Mom and I got together, we had it all planned out. We both were marine biologists. We were able to afford this house at 25 years old. We were going to live the perfect life. That’s why we decided to have children, because we thought it’d go great with everything else. But… the neediness. We didn’t expect that it was going to be an all-the-time kind of thing. I know right after you were born, Benjamin, we had a three-week vacation to the Bahamas all planned out. It was going to be a treat to ourselves after 9 months of dealing with the whole “pregnancy” thing. But guess what: that had to be scrapped because a newborn apparently needs to be cared for all the time. Do you know how much “non-refundable” costs?
Anyway, I should reel this back in, because I can feel myself going on a tangent. What your mother and I have decided is that enough is enough. A person can only take so much. And, given our current state of mental well-being, you two deserve better, too. That’s why neither of us have elected to take custody of you. Rather you’re going to go live with Uncle Pierre in Singapore. Singapore! Doesn’t that sound exciting! Clean streets, excellent education, corporeal punishment – so don’t even think about growing up to be some kind of smart aleck, Allison! Pierre’s already got you enrolled in summer session at The Academy of Obedient and Gifted Children so you’ll be all caught up by the time fall rolls around next year.
What, Donna? Oh right, I should have asked: do you two have any questions?