Tag Archives: 2011

If The Golden Globes Were An Uncomfortable Family Reunion…

Last night’s Golden Globe Awards proved to America what we’ve always known: the Globes are essentially an excuse to watch celebrities get drunk, and become uncomfortably personal with stabes at humor (see Christian Bale’s acceptance speech).  But actually, the real winners are the millions of Americans who have to look forward to family gatherings with similar ilk.  Here’s what The 68th Annual Golden Globes taught me about preparing for this summer’s Fried Family Jambalaya Cook-off.

1. Ricky Gervais like is the drunk uncle you want to always show up, no matter what the context.  Yes, he’s quick to point-out flaws and go for uncomfortable laughs, but goddamn if you can’t help but root for him the whole time.

2.  Am I the only person who think Andrew Garfield and Ben Schwartz are long-lost brothers?

3.  If you still hate your brother for making partner at 29 years old, just play loud music over every obnoxious word he says until he decides to leave you alone.  Aunt Cloris was always his favorite, anyway.

4. Apparently, there is a category of comedy called, “Explain the punchline to the audience” (see J. Lo and Alec Baldwin’s awkward presentation speech for “Best Original Song”).  And yes: your dad is always going to advocate it.

5. On that same note, Tina Fey and Steve Carrell prove the upside of the “Bring your own jokes” policy.  That’s why I started a running list on the notepad app of my phone.

6. If there’s a pair of adorable kids – that also look like Jimmy Fallon and January Jones – in your family that always seems to diffuse tension for everyone, use them always and often.

7. Awkward camerawork also works at the professional level too, so keep telling your Uncle Jack to live the dream.

8.  No matter what, find a way to get Robert De Niro to show up.  He. is. the. man.

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Why The 2011 Wild Card NFL Playoffs Will Consume My Life

1) E-A-G-L-E-S.  It’s a disease, like being a Nickelback fan.

2) My love for the ETrade Talking Baby commercials. And when I say, “love”, I mean “stab me in the face.”

3) My girlfriend doesn’t mind.  Seriously.  She also loves when I ask her to wear a Drew Brees jersey… every time we go to bed.

4) I need something to distract me from “Golden Globes fever”.

5) Like Christmas, it only happens once a year. Also like Christmas, it involves anxious silence and pie.

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All the way to Heaven in ‘11

That’s an awkward way to say “Happy New Year.” Enjoy it internet, the world is yours. (Okay, I need to stop).

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