Diary of a Taco Bell Addict

“I got my first taste when I was five. It was my parents; they were addicts, so I became an addict. Products of your environment really happen, folks. I remember the first time I tasted a Baja Supreme Gordita. It tasted like rainbows in my mouth were rolling my soul in glitter. After that first, I was able to walk away from it fine. I knew I wanted it, but I was protected from it. Cuz, y’know, I was a kid. But you get older, you strike out, and you realize that hunger never goes away. It actually gets worse – that Taco Bell hunger.

They call being addicted to Taco Bell “riding the horse train” cuz most people believe the food is made outta horse. And I guess, if that were true, then I rode every filly in that ranch. Some days were better than others. You wake up at 7 in the morning, and the first thing your brain is screaming for is cinnamon sticks. You don’t just want to eat it, you want to rub them on your face. Because you actually believe that all that stuff will take your problems away: your mammoth obesity, your shortness of breath, the complete lack of respect that people have for you because you can name the release date of Half-Life 4, but you don’t know what Libya is. But you believe and tell yourself, “I just need to eat 25 Grilled Stuffed Burritos and it’ll all even out. I get that in me, and I can go to my job at True Value and get through the day.” The worst days came when I was about 10 years in. I was a tester. That’s when they pay you to show up at the regional Taco Bell headquarters and you eat all the off-menu items they’re developing out of lab in Colorado somewhere: The Super-Cheesy Queso Bandito Chalupa, The Mega Mexican Uber-Beef Double Fried Taco, The Spicy Crackin’ Super Lime Chicken Salad drizzled in Ranchero sauce (pig fat). You don’t go there because you want to be there, you go there because things have gotten bad enough that you need to be there.

Is any of this getting through to you folks? Any of this shit scaring you? Good. Because it should. You can come back from it, but you’ve got to work. You’ve got to want it. You should be willing to learn what an apple tastes like, and that not everything has to washed down with a Mountain Dew. There’s this thing called water that’ll do the same thing and won’t cause your heart to hurt. Folks, use me as the example. I want to help you. Join me when I say, ‘God, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, and the courage to stop myself from ordering a 9th Nacho Supreme.’ “


Filed under Humor Piece

4 responses to “Diary of a Taco Bell Addict

  1. philip kobylarz

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha sick.

  2. OMG your blog is soo saving me from the boredom of my job! Thank you!! And I too am a recovering TB addict (my vices were: Nacho Supreme- no beans & cinnamon twists). I hated Gorditas though! I know, lame lol

  3. I’m on day 5 of a 30 day juice fast. I can’t stop thinking about taco bell. Nacho cheese and beans are the main allure for me. I’m so painfully addicted I could scream myself to death!

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