My First Day Of Unemployment

7:45 a.m. – Hit the snooze button. Went back to bed. There, I fought Darth Vader while riding T Rex.

10:30 a.m. – Actually woke up. Made a cup of coffee. I now live off of Stumptown, having been forced to do so during the absence of Gorilla Coffee. I hope that somewhere the fickle hipster baristas will forgive me for my transgressions… and my love of 12 Bar Blues by Scott Weiland.

10:32 a.m. – I realize that a) your average 21 year old hipster doesn’t even know who Scott Weiland is, and b) that the said hipster staff staged a walk-out while the U.S. Unemployment Rate is still 9% and they could’ve easily just quit, gone to Starbucks, and got health insurance for working a 20 hour week. Why should I care about their opinion?

11:00 a.m. – I check-in on my fantasy baseball team and revel in their 4th place dominance in a 19 team league.

11:15 a.m. – I check my fantasy baseball team wire for any blockbuster action. So far, nothing.

11:30 a.m. – I re-watch the Conan interview on 60 Minutes from Sunday night. My goal is to write a thought-provoking blog post about how I think he is this world’s new comedy folk hero. However, I can’t really get past the fact that his new beard makes me want to drink a glass of syrup.

12:30 p.m. – I run a bunch of errands, which includes paying off a $50 fee at the dentist office. I make an appointment to get my teeth cleaned for tomorrow morning.

12:32 p.m. – I have a slight panic attack when I realize I may have to pay for this appointment with money I don’t have.

12:33 p.m. – I realize my unemployment will probably make up the difference.

12:34 p.m. – I remember that my unemployment is  1/5 of what my paycheck used to be. Panic attack returns, quickly turns into mild stroke.

12:35 p.m. – I watch a season 5 episode of The Simpsons. This gives me a reason to laugh.

1:02 p.m. – I begin working on my pre-1997 Simpsons spec script. Writing a new storyline for Sideshow Bob has never been so easy.

2:32 p.m. – I re-write my resume to include my most recent job experience. This is essentially akin to being stuck side-by-side on a rush hour D Train with a girl you dumped four months ago. And she still calls you at night.

3:00 p.m. – On a job placement website, I am asked to describe my career and life goals. This is hard. There’s really no professional way to say “Rule the mutha-effing world with a fistful of Oscars. Kick it with my Wilco cover band. And learn how to talk to dolphins, the dalmatians of the sea.”

3:02 p.m. – After some quick Wikipedia research, I revise my previous professional statement, “And learn how to talk to dolphins, the border collies of the sea.”

4:00 p.m. – Check my fantasy league wire, again. Still nothing. I officially play in the most boring fantasy league ever. Even the fantasy league made up of semi-interested girlfriends is better than this.

4:15 p.m. – I send out a league blast, proclaiming my unhappiness.

5:30 p.m. – I am unanimously voted out of my fantasy baseball league.

7:00 p.m. – My girlfriend calls, and is forced to console me during my exile. She is way more irritated by this than I am.

11:45 p.m. – I finish a script to a short film I’ve been kicking around in my head for 2 years. Perhaps Unemployment does have its benefits…

1:00 a.m. – I am still working on my Simpsons spec. In my episode, Linda Ronstandt shot Mr. Burns. I can’t wait to send this to an agent.


Filed under Blog

2 responses to “My First Day Of Unemployment

  1. Erin

    I would like to contest 7 pm – I was not more irritated by anything 🙂

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