Let’s get something straight: for the most part, I’ve enjoyed being single in this city. Yes, there have been a few exceptions (don’t become a Jehovah’s Witness to meet women). But – all in all – I like where things are at right now. If I were to meet someone, I would hope it’s one of those things that “just happens”; which is how many of my monogamous and shotgun wedding-participant friends have said their relationships started.
So, this prompts the next question: “If you were to meet her, Matt Fried: what would your ideal girlfriend look like?” That’s an excellent question, imaginary documentary filmmaker who follows me in my head. Such an excellent question, that I’m forced to drop all minor responsibilities (like finding a paycheck) in order to ponder it. After a week, I’ve decided there would be five possibilities, if I could control The Fates; five different archetypes of the modern women with whom I could easily see myself falling in love; if things like time, place, and realistic status tiers were of no factor.
1) The Self-Assured, Guitar-Rocking Indie Girl
Sometimes she carries a tote bag, sometimes she doesn’t. This woman is comfortable in her own skin; knows how to keep it cool; and can – as Rivers Cuomo once bemoaned – actually “shred the cello”, perhaps on some My Bloody Valentine. Her music collection is a fine mix of Sleater-Kinney meets 2Pac meets Katy Perry. She likes flannel, re-reading Anna Karenina, and dated her senior class president in high school. One day, she plans to be a writer, an independent business owner, or may potentially run for the Senate – depending on how my book deal works out. See: Liz Phair, Zooey Deschanel, or Karen Moody in Californication.
2) The Quick-Witted, Comic Book Reading Geek Girl
Behind those glasses is a big sexy geek brain that me, Jamie Hernandez, and Brian Wood are all waiting to comb for pop trivia. This is the girl who works at the record shop and – for some inexplicable reason – has a long-distance relationship with a Shakespearean actor in Berlin. Which is a crime against humanity considering that she a) has actually seen the movie, American Pop, b) loves talking about improv, and c) owns every single Saves The Day album… on vinyl. I think if it hadn’t been for that one night we bumped into one another at a bar, and were both already so “drunk” that we ending up making out in an alleyway, I would’ve already descended back into my old habit of writing emo poetry. See: Rosario Dawson, Lisa Loeb, or ScriptGirl.
3) The Diplomatic, Well-Spoken Professional Girl
While this female shows up in the same genre as “The Geek Girl”, there are a few differences. One: this is the girl who is always reading something off of The New York Times Best-Seller’s Fiction List. Two: she does this because she somehow finds time to actually read the NYT every day, from front to back. Three: this is also the girl who will, one day, save the world. Unless we each happen to be in equally enterprising profession – like law, politics, or Lorne Michaels’ personal assistant – I know I’m pretty much along for the ride. However: she thinks I’m hilarious, her parents like me, and she’s used to date Derek Jeter. And, that means free box seats at Yankee Stadium with the girl who has chosen me over Derek Jeter. See: Michelle Obama.
4) The Reformed, Activist Supermodel
Admittedly, in order to hook-up with this girl, I would first have needed to been Oscar Schindler in a previous life. I’m talking about someone who looks like Megan Fox, and is done dating douchebags. Oh, and she walks formerly abused dogs on Saturday mornings. This is my 100-to-1 long shot because these same women are also looking for an older guy with his shit together. This is the only time in my life where I’d be competing, legitimately, against the Tony Starks of the World. … Wait a minute, I would be fighting against Iron Man? Sweet. See: Megan Fox, Jennifer Love Hewitt, or Mary Jane Watson from Spider-Man.
5) Former UK Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher