From The Book of Gaga

These days, I like to stay away from celebrity skewering. It’s just too easy. But every once in a while, one celebrity comes along – usually with a complete lack of self-awareness – and escalates “Vainglorious” to “Are you fucking kidding me?” and then gives it a full kick shift into “Holy bat-shit, whack job, fucktard Batman!”

That celebrity was pop diva Lady Gaga and it was in this month’s Blender.

Photo Credit

The feature was “Collect Call From…” where Blender tails a rock star for a full week via one random phone call each day. What the dear Lady gave the world is a sneak peek into her life as a hipster nutjob. I wanted to share some snippets with you all from each day. Enjoy.

Day 1
I met Paris Hilton the other night, but I don’t make a big deal out of it. I grew up in Manhattan and we went to the same private school on the Upper East Side, though not at the same time. It was a sweet moment, because she’s such a figure in pop culture and I write about everything she stands for.
Glad to hear you could keep your shit together.

Day 2
I was very excited because my room is this gorgeous penthouse with a white baby-grand piano in the living room. When I saw it, I started to cry. I played for a couple of hours, then gave my assistant a heart attack because I wouldn’t take a shower. I was like, ‘I’m not showering. I’m being brilliant and writing.’
You go, girl.

Day 3
Some artists want your money so they can buy Range Rovers and diamond bracelets, but I don’t care about that kind of stuff. I don’t want the five dollars in your pocket. I want your soul.
First off, this is moving way too fast, I just met you. Second off, where in the world is the store that’s selling your album for $5?

Day 4
…I just found out I will have sold a million albums by next week! I’ve been crying like a baby for, like, 30 minutes. … Tonight we’re going to go down to an Irish pub and have a brew to celebrate. I’ll put on my Night Porter hat and some vintage Ray-Bans and maybe some suspenders. My sexy-Nazi look. It’s not politically correct, but I’ve got to keep pushing buttons, right?
When you were a kid, your parents bought you the wrong pony, didn’t they?

Day 5
…I’m really serious about never wearing flip-flops in public.

Day 6
I found a warehouse that could bring me vintage Chanel, and now I’m sifting through it all. It’s very important to me that the music exists not just in the audio sense but in the visual sense, as well. I really care about how music looks. The other night I saw Grace Jones perform. I went backstage to meet her afterward, and her foot was bleeding from her shoes. I said ‘You’re fucking bleeding, Grace,’ and she said ‘I know I’m fucking bleeding, darling.’ The perils of being a woman … That one moment is enough to feed my creativity for the next 15 years.
Is this the part where everybody else in the drama club tells you “You’re so deep.”, and then we all start singing RENT?

Day 7
I love the gays so much it’s scary. I’m pretty serious about everyone being on time to rehearsal, and the other day my gay dancers got stuck in the subway in London and were late. If it had been anyone else I would have been freaking out, but I was like They’re probably just shopping or something – they’ll be here soon. And they were! They were late because they were getting their hair cut. It looked great, though, so I didn’t care.
But you just said… I don’t… aaaaaaaarrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!

Happy Friday, everybody. Have a great weekend.


Filed under Humor Piece

3 responses to “From The Book of Gaga

  1. Jay

    Oh man. It’d be great to line up her, Paris, and Lindsay, and then smack them all across the face in unison, a la Three Stooges.

  2. iammattfried

    Or just throw an unending line of drinks in their faces.

  3. Pingback: Bonus Gaga! « I Am Matt

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